What 'pony camp' taught me about fear (and the power of naming it)
Picture the scene: you've arrived at your first ever adult camp, with your 6 year old horse and you're at the famous Hickstead. 15 minutes into your first lesson on day one and you find yourself looking up at your horse, having departed thanks to a rather large spook.
The lesson continues and it is not a good one. You find yourself becoming increasingly lacking in confidence, holding back tears, as tractors go back and forth past the arena, a generator blares, horses come from all directions and your horse continues to let you know that he is pretty over his limit (as are you). What you can't hear over this chaos is the sound of something really important clicking into place. The name of a 'fear'.
I reflected on this ride later with a (now familiar) perspective - this is now the third time I've fallen off my horse when I really *could* have stayed on, had my position been more stable.
The next day, we're in a cross country lesson. Harley and I are stood at the top of a big step (having graduated from a little one). "I know it's me" I say "I'm afraid he's going to leap off it". What I really meant was... I'm afraid he's going to leap off it and my instability is going to mean I come out the side door.
It wasn't until the third day in our second xc lesson and now four lessons deep into the weekend that I actually voiced it aloud. "I want you to find your xc canter, then take a light seat" the coach says. I stare out at the sea of xc jumps scattered in the arena and banners every few feet around the edge.
"um... I'm a bit nervous to do that" I say. "Why?" Says the coach. "Because I'm afraid of taking a light seat and being 'forward' in case he spooks?"
"And why does that scare you?" she (deftly) asks. "Because" deep breath, "I know my lower leg isn't as stable as it should be, and I'm afraid I may not stay on if he puts a big one in".
The weekend flashed before my eyes (OK it didn't, but I'm adding that for dramatic affect. Everytime 'fear' crept into my riding, it all came back to the stability of my legs. I wasn't afraid of Harley, his spooking, the arenas, not even really the jumps (although that one is a bit case by case). I was afraid that Harley's reactions, good or bad, would lead to me coming off BECAUSE of my instabilty. The feeling of not being secure scared me more than anything else.
And do you know what? Realising that made me instantly feel more confident. It's like the moemnt you see the monster in the horror movie - it's never as scary as it seems. And moreso, it's completely within in my control (ability pending!).
So, that's my focus. I've asked my coach to help me focus on my lower leg stability (amongst all of our other things of course) and I feel weirdly more confident.
Now obviously you may not be able to replicate this moment for moment, but I do think something about being in lots of scenarios this weekend but coming back to the same feeling really cemented something for me here. Can you find your 'saying it out loud' moment? Can you name the fear and unlock it somewhat for yourself?
